a device for the soul

I have to say I’m a late-comer to the whole “lolcat” phenomenon. However, after taking a peek at it and such, I came across this gem: The LOLCat Bible Translation Project. I’m not sure what I’m more amazed at: the concept itself or the fact that there’s actual work being done on it. Talk about revelations, right?

Okay… Stopping all sacrilegious, or otherwise, puns and jokes. I love the world we live in. The possibilities are endlessly surprising and head-shakingly wonderful.

Why is everything a gimmick nowadays?

“Oh hey, I hardly noticed that you’re back again. Is it Bitching Time? I’m in a pretty good mood, so let’s get this going… What do you mean?”

Well, obviously you know what I mean, so no need to effect a real dialogue here.

“Stop ruining the magic, spoil-sport. That’s my job.”

Right, sorry. Anyway, why does everything that people find interesting need to be dressed up with some sort of hook, catch, or gimmick?

“You are making pretty sweeping and generalizing statements, you do realize, right?”

I suppose, but I read in magazines for writers that the first few pages really have to hook a reader in to be effective. If you really want to get “made” somehow, you have to grab attention. When do you run out of tricks? Everything gets recycled. A different face on the same person. A new way to say the same old things. Why bother, right? Seems that you lose something out of the expression in the fight to seem original, edgy, interesting.

“Are we going to bring up lipstick and pigs again?”

No, we already did that, and the context for that metaphor is a little off-base for this topic.

“Ah, point taken. So what do you expect to do? Are you just going to give up because you don’t think you have a gimmick or premise or voice that you think people won’t like or notice?”

I’m not sure. Perhaps I haven’t found it yet. I’m not sure I’ve got enough experience to rightfully say. I think I’m just overwhelmed with the task that may lay ahead, swimming against the current of such a powerful stream.

“The MAINstream, eh?”

That’s pretty corny, but I suppose you’re pretty close. Maybe I can hope for a cult following or something.

“Well, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself again. However, I enjoy putting your perspective back to ground level. You haven’t got the material or following here to begin fantasizing about that, I think, right? How about you just worry about writing something, THEN you can start worrying about the other stuff? Don’t worry about having or not having a gimmick. If you are concerned about finding your niche, maybe you should consider that the niche should just find you. Just do stuff and stuff will happen the way it happens.”

Thanks for that bit of ambiguity.

“Hey, that’s just how it is. Deal with it and quit bitching about it.”

But then I wouldn’t have anything to practice this little gimmick we’re partaking in, would I?

“Good point.”

Traffic. You hate it, I hate it. Almost simultaneous with the invention of the car came terrible drivers. This is not anything new to most people out there. However, what I’d like anyone to realize, to remember, to consider, is this:

A car is, for most intents and purposes, a moving room with wheels. It is also several thousand pounds of metallic-death-and-destruction-waiting-to-happen. If we pause to consider the fact that we’re driving a really large bullet, we might not take the act of driving for granted, so much. It’s somewhat sobering to contemplate just the danger one can cause or be placed in, while at the mercy of a few tons of steel speeding at many miles per hour. One wrong turn, one distraction, one bad decision, can destroy lives forever.

What is also taken for granted is the fact that there are rules governing the operation of traffic. One has to realize that these rules – and perhaps any rules at all – are pretty arbitrary. They are words and ideas that everyone expects the other people out there will follow. But we don’t have to, that’s the thing. There is literally nothing stopping you from veering off the road and onto a sidewalk to decimate all the yielding and weak, fleshy people presumably kept safe by “traffic laws.”

We stop at red lights and stop signs. We yield to the right of way and pedestrians. We use our turn signals, check both ways, go the listed speed limit, etc. At least, we should, and we expect (and I guess, hope) that everyone else zipping around in their death-machines will as well.

I have news though: there is no one watching to see if we misbehave. Sure, there’s the police, but they are not everywhere at all times. The only thing keeping us from really doing the possibly terrible things we so easily could is some sort of “tattletale” complex. If I do something bad, someone else is going to tell on me – that sort of thing. (Of course, that presumes anyone is really watching or cares. It also presumes that there’s anyone left alive afterward to be a tattletale.)

I guess I just find it fascinating the way traffic functions without the need for constant, overbearing enforcement and regulation. Operating the lethal metal boxes at breakneck speeds assuming our safety and that everything will remain just fine. That’s right Mr. Pedestrian, you may cross the street now. Don’t mind the growl of the combustion engine churning, controlling and channeling the energy of miniature explosions within, empowering this machine that could so entirely obliterate you without even slowing down, should I decide to switch from the brake pedal to the accelerator. You’re life is safe and sound and unthreatened.

I guess that’s what cheeses me off about reckless or rude drivers. So they think they can get away with shit? The rules are able to bend for them, because…what? They’re special exceptions? What’s stopping me from snapping and forgetting the rules, myself? This made me consider making a little list…

THINGS I WOULD DO IN A VEHICLE, IF THERE WERE NO CONSEQUENCES FOR MY ACTIONS:

- Jump into the lane with oncoming traffic and see how long I can last before getting hit.
- Drive along a sidewalk, preferably downtown.
- Drive a car off a parking ramp, hopefully from the top floor. Also hopefully onto a crowded street and sidewalk below.
- Smash through the front door of a shopping mall or office building or bank; whichever has nice, big glass doors. Then I would park and continue my business there. Fuck parking lots, right? That’d be the closest spot, I think.
- Always go as fast as the car can go, even if it’s just down the street. Without heeding crosswalks, stop signs, or traffic lights, of course.
- Do some donuts in the middle of a cemetery or public park.
- Instead of the horn, I’d just ram people to get their attention.
- Straddle the lane-dividing lines.
- Side-swipe people that try to pass me. Slam on my brakes if someone is tail-gating me.

Well, that’s just some. I’m sure to think of more.