a device for the soul

How was Chinese baby formula chemically tainted?

I’ll tell you: it was a secret revenge tactic taken by the Olympic Oversight Committee at being cornered into allowing a bunch of obviously underaged atheletes into the ‘08 Summer Olympic Games.

The conversation went a little something like this:

“Hey d’ya see the news about what that hacker found about them gymnasts?”

“Yeah. Damn, we’re kinda left with our pants down. We look pretty stupid for allowing it. Yet, it’d be almost as much hassle, if not more, if we penalize them or something. Especially considering the Olympics are being held there. I don’t wanna get knifed like that poor bastard, do you? What do we do?”

“Well, I suggest we keep things rolling, but we even the score later. I have a great idea: we’ll sabotage their infant formula!”

“Yeah, there won’t be any more underage athletes or, if we’re lucky, a China left, if we wipe them out early!”

And thus the plan was put into action, shortly thereafter…

A coast-to-coast monitoring system that would have prevented last week’s train collision that killed 26 commuters in California could be available in five years, the Federal Railroad Administration said Monday.

“Shit, man,” an official from California’s Board of Public Transportation said in comment, “why couldn’t they have waited to try and have their fucking accident in five years or so? People are so damned impatient these days. See what it got them? Well, at least they were all tourists, this time, I think. What idiots for getting on the train at that time, when you know it’s so unsafe, right? I hope this doesn’t mean we’re liable for damages…”

The official was quickly sequestered off and left in seclusion “until the whole thing blows over.”